Colorado Nostalgia

Complacent Indecision

Your pretty words

Gave life to a hope

Of a future much like the past

But now its clear

That this time

We were not meant to last.

~~~

So let me help you out

With your constant fucking

Complacent indecision

The prospect of “us”

Is not longer an option

I even want to envision.

Eraser Shavings

I’ve made a mistake

Unlike the lead to this page

As I write these words

It can’t be erased.

Oh, how I wish I could undo the past

So that maybe, just maybe

Our “us” could last.

But I can’t.

So here we are, yet again

And now

Its starting to feel like the beginning

Of what was always an inevitable end.

Through tears

You’re all I see

But this is not

How we were meant to be.

~~~

My love. . .

I’ve made a mistake

And I’ve tried

But, this time, it can’t be erased.

Now you’ve moved on

While I’m stuck here

In the same goddamn place.

Rooted

If I’m the Earth

Then you’re the tree

That sunk it’s roots

Deep inside of me

As time went on

We grew together

Every day from dusk till dawn

Thinking this would last forever

You gave me purpose

And I gave you life

A give and take

No doubts in sight

Then another came

And took you away

Building you into something new

Leaving me in such dismay

Although you’re gone

I can’t complain

Because within my heart

Your roots remain

Shadowed

Being with you is like a midnight drive

When the lights start to blink in time with your eyes

As their deep blue gaze meets mine

Stirring my blood again until I feel alive

~~~

But how much longer do I have until the sun rises and you see

I am but a mere shadow of the person you believe me to be?

Our Story

This farewell is not forever

Just the ending to a chapter

In our story to tell

Because a piece of me will always be yours

And I trust you’ll take care of it

As you always have before

But until the wounds from our past

Mend themselves back to health

This love can never truly last

So just leave the situation be

Please, darling

Put your mind to ease

For this farewell is not forever

Just the beginning of a new chapter

In our story to tell

Indecisive Silence

Silence is like poison to an uneasy mind; increasing only confusion, insecurity, and eventual distance.

Disposable Memories

Wake Up

Wake up.

Get out of your bed before noon and eat an actual breakfast.

Sit on the couch and play some video games with your siblings like they’ve been begging you to for months.

Do an actual load of laundry- not just enough to get by for a couple days.

Dress up a little. Put on that one outfit you’ve been too nervous to try out because “you have no where to wear it”.

Clean your room. Throw out the shit that’s cluttered up and rid yourself of all the stupid material possessions you don’t really need.

Call your dad. Talk to him. Make plans to visit soon and actually follow through with them- you know you miss your little brother and sister too much to remain this stubborn.

Check your bank account and begin the savings plan you’ve been thinking about but neglecting for months.

Make some payments before its too late.

Return your books before your late-fees start bursting out the ass.

While you’re at it, get a few new books. And then start to read them like you’ve been wanting to for so long.

Go and get the next piercing you’ve been wanting for months. Maybe even the tattoo if the price is right.

Stop by the music shop and schedule your first bass lesson.

Go out to dinner with your grandma. Enjoy your time with her. She’s always been there for you, now you need to return the favor.

Pick up a tub of ice cream on the way home and eat it with your mom. Have a conversation with her about life. I know she doesn’t show it, but she misses you.

Call up a friend and do something. Don’t drudge up past problems either. They’ve been supportive, but it’s time to focus on them for a change.

Smoke a bowl and some cigarettes while your out; relax. Let go and, just for a second, loose yourself in the moment.

Then come home no earlier than two in the morning and write about the day and the feeling it gave you. Don’t even think about it; just write. When you’re done, read it. See how much happier the emotion it portrays is. Feel how free the feeling it emits is and bask in it. Life hasn’t been easy lately. You’ve made mistakes- lots of them. And you’ve made even more trying to fix it all. . . .

Stop it. You’re hurting, that’s understandable. You’re first love isn’t someone that can be replaced. There’s always going to be a part of you that belongs to him, a part that you gave away willingly. Don’t regret doing that. If you hadn’t, all those amazing memories that hurt so much to think about now wouldn’t exist. No matter how bad the pain, though, they’re memories you wouldn’t change for the world. They consist of events that have made you who you are and he helped change you for the better. He showed you love; and you got lost in it together. It was beautiful and wonderful and the greatest happiness you’ve ever felt in your whole life. . . . but it’s over now. You need to start accepting that. If he wants to try again, he’ll let you know. You just have to trust that he will.

But you can’t put your entire life on hold until that day that might never happen comes. You can’t neglect and forget everything and everyone else around you that matter just to fall deeper into the pit of sorrows you’ve already buried yourself in. You’re loosing yourself in the darkness that you single handily let consume you. Through all the bullshit that’s been thrown at you in life, you at least had the comfort in knowing yourself and who you are. Don’t you fucking dare let this change that.

Your philosophy has always been about living rather than simply existing. However, you’ve been doing the opposite recently.

Life is a beautiful thing. There’s so much to do, so many people to meet, and so many things to see. Quit focusing all your energy on this one tragedy and experience the world around you. I know loosing him sucked. . . it’s the worst pain you’ve ever felt. And I’m not asking you to move on from him; that’s going to take a lot more time and will probably never fully happen. But you need to let go of all the darkness that’s keeping you blind to the rest of your life and start to fucking live again. Don’t brood within the pain. Don’t suppress the emotions. Don’t use quick fixes to forget. Just let go and live.

Come on. It’s time.

Wake up.

Cracked

I’ve been so depressed lately that I’ve been letting my anxiety get the better of me. I never thought something as beautiful as love could have such crippling affects until now. . . . having experienced something so pure and amazing fills a person to the brim with emotion, and hollows them out when it’s taken away, leaving them a fragile shell of who they used to be.

This is what I’m afraid I’ve become.

See, the wonderfully tragic thing about love is that it’s not love in it’s fullest capacity unless you give enough of yourself to the other person. For me, I gave so much that my happiness is truly his. The outlook of my entire day used to be determined by whether of not I opened my eyes to that damn goofy grin. . . . and, trust me, I picked the right guy to be happy with.

He’s always smiling.

He’s a care-free soul with good intentions and an even better heart. He’s weird, in the best way possible, and has a sense of humor much like my own. Not only that, but most of our interests, beliefs, and passions aligned. He showed me love that I’d never thought was possible. . . . above all, though, he is the most genuine person I’ve ever met. He made my darkest hours light again and was there without hesitation.

But I ruined that.

And something as beautiful as having someone else’s happiness be your own turns tragic when you’re no longer the cause of it.

This is the reason my anxiety has flared up. I think about the potential her; the new possibilities around him. I think about the hours of daily conversation they could be having that we once shared in every single night. I think about him making the effort to talk to her by any means possible like he once did for me. I think about him feeling for her like he did for me, and slowly but surely falling for her more every day. . . . the love he felt for me becoming more of a fond but distant memory. Mostly, though, I think about her making him happy instead of me. . .  making any happiness I feel seem false and obsolete.

The worst part of it all is that I did this to myself. I was frustrated and impulsive. After that, I tried to do right by him; give him space he needed and, in time, others said he would be okay. But it backfired. . . again, and again, and again, and again. I am so regretful. . . I hate myself. I had so many second chances at getting him back, getting back my true happiness, and I squandered each and every one.

Now I sit here as the cracked shell of who I once was, writing this, and wanting nothing more than to be his her again.

But I’m not.

He deserves better. He deserves to smile that goofy grin again.